S is awake!

S is awake – there are no words to express how happy I am to hear this! I won’t know how he really is until tomorrow, but for now he is awake. I’m sure he is the same cat loving lunatic he was only a few days ago, but I need that last bit of reassurance that he is exactly that.

I said I would document every day and I will continue to do that for him. Hopefully he knows he is with me in thought, since I can’t be there for him now.

I managed to work on my essay this morning, proud of myself for sitting down and doing it after putting it off for so long. So I spent a good few hours in the quiet library, hunched over my beastly laptop and smashing away at my keyboard. Instead of comfort eating, today I have invested in retail therapy. I had cancelled on my best friends birthday this weekend after the bad news but I woke up this morning and decided I did not want to spend the weekend holed up and alone. So I set myself on a mission to Oxford street to find the perfect outfit: a low cut top, low enough to show my central under-boob tattoo but also hide the ever growing rolls of fat on my stomach, and something other than my standard black jeans to wear it with.

I ended up buying two pairs of jeans, one pair of trousers, wet-look leggings, that perfect top I was after, blusher and two new lip glosses. Can we please acknowledge that I have a problem…

It wasn’t until I was walking out of the station on my way home that I received a text message from Alex telling me the good news. I was beaming at my phone. I could see the TFL workers watching me walk through the station out of the corner of my eye, probably wondering what the hell I was looking at to make me so happy. I didn’t care, S is awake!

Alex and I continued to talk, I learnt that she and S met on a night out roughly one year ago and as she is gay they hit things off socially. I said thank you for keeping me company and I sent her a kiss face emoji, then conversation took an unexpected turn. Suddenly we are flirting, talking about fantasies, about how S is more open to all sorts now, she is encouraging me to talk to him about our fantasies. But that’s not the S I know knew. The S I knew only had fantasies involving the one woman he loved – me.  Of course, we broke up and his fantasies no longer had anything to do with me. Alex is telling me “he loves a booty call ;)… he loves to tease ;)…” And then the ball drops.

Maybe a year ago now S suffered a complication from surgery that left him with short term memory loss, he didn’t know entirely who I was but he knew that he was drawn to me for some reason. During this time he was out partying a lot, he pulled two girl friends and well you can guess the rest.

I know it’s poor judgement, but could she be one of them?



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