I agreed with S’s (the ex’s) friend that we would chat today for both of our sakes. She will be keeping me updated on how S is doing as I am unable to go and visit him myself. The Doctors say that he has incredible brain activity, most likely due to ‘intense dreaming’ – ‘Where are you, S?…. In the land of dreams.’
I have been dreading coming back to central London today. There are memories of S scattered all over London, from Heathrow airport to North London, where we live just 15 minutes apart. I didn’t want to come back and see the cats, they are more comfortable around S. Knowing his love for cats, he would happily come to see them even if I was not here. I walked through Warren Street station wondering if I would bump in to him there when I knew that I wouldn’t. I even made an effort to look for his face in the crowd – what is wrong with me? I couldn’t remember what state I left my room in, if there was still a mold of his body in my duvet from where he lay down and watched me get ready on Monday morning.
It’s late afternoon and I am sitting on my bed on the verge of tears. I want coke – ‘can’t find my left overs…damn, I must have lost the bag at the party on Saturday. Ok, I could smoke with my friend instead but she lives over an hour journey across London. No, do not cry. You haven’t eaten all day, Tash. What are you going to eat? What do you need to do to make yourself feel the tiniest bit better?’
So I set myself up a space on the floor: I put down a picnic blanket to sit on so the cold from the floor doesn’t rise up by back; I get my laptop and put ‘the Gilmore Girls’ on; light a candle; cocoon myself in a furry blanket and eventually the Chinese food that I ordered arrives and I eat. Happier? No. All the time I’m thinking how perfect it would be if S was here, how beautiful it would be if we were making love here, on the floor, in this gorgeous set up. I took a photo of it thinking that I can show S what I have been up to all this time. Part of me is aware that I may be setting myself up to fall, but I am driven by this new sense of false hope and the overdue realization that I need this man in my life.
One more problem: I can picture him laying on my bed, and now I don’t want to get up off the floor.