It’s too late

I have so much to say that I do not know where to start, I don’t have the words to say it all and no one will have the time or the patience to read it, especially not the one person who needs to. I am frantic, scared and completely alone. I can’t tell anyone, not yet at least. I am strong for appearances but the second I am alone I am quivering and unable to keep myself upright.

Just yesterday my ex and I were laughing over bad pub food and a game of American snooker. I had him in my arms. He kissed my cheek several times – and I didn’t kiss him back.

Today, his surgery went wrong and he has slipped in to a coma. 

I should have made more effort yesterday. I should have kissed him back. I should have smiled at him more instead of hiding my true feelings. I should have told him one last time that I love him. I do love him, don’t I? Why else would this hurt so much. I should be there with him now.

I have asked God to save him. I would pray but I don’t know how to. I would ask everyone to pray for him but no one knows. What do I do?

I am so scared. I have tried to have a life without him but I always go back to him – even when I am sober. I can’t lead a life without him in the world at all. I need him more than I am even aware of. 

As we were saying goodnight to each other last night, he mentioned that sleep is “the land of dreams.” I keep asking myself ‘where are you, S’ and I can only picture his words in response.

Please, don.t take him away. 

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