Bad trip

I’ve been trying to write this post for a while, but I don’t know how to write about something that I don’t even know is real or not. Whatever it is or is not, it is happening to me right now. It is a part of my life and therefore I can write about it. Write?

Me and the boyfriend got high together recently, it was all good fun until I had a bad trip and my come-down suddenly smacked me all the way down. During the trip, I saw myself disappearing in fragments, like a dandelion. I remember thinking, “is this how I go?” And then the high was over.

I’ve recently been told I may or may not have CIN-2 (in a nut shell), that is, pre-cancerous cells in my cervix. May or may not, because no doctor has the time for me. The whole experience, from the day I got referred to gynaecology, has been exhausting. Doctors are sticking their head between my legs and sticking their instruments in places where they do not belong.

Meanwhile, I’m trying to tell my family as much as possible without telling them anything about my sex life! My family of medical professionals…

Silent treatment

I’m so irrationally angry at S. I don’t have the time or the emotion to spare for this. We’ve had massive communication problems for months now – part of the reason we are always arguing. He tells me we need to talk about it, but only when I have more time. I have two months left at university, with at least two deadlines every week leading up to the last due-date, meaning he wants to talk in 2 months time?

Why would he bring it up then?! “I need to articulate it.” He’s telling me he wants to talk, but he hasn’t figured out what he wants to talk about?! So he’s warning me now that in a few months time we’ll be having a conversation about this conversation. What am I supposed to do with that?

We haven’t spoken for two days now.

 

Darkness.

I don’t know how I have let things get this bad.  All these weeks of silencing my pain. .

I can’t describe what I feel, I just know that its wrong. It feels like the world is jigging past me. There are moments that I can’t account for. I can feel either empty, sad or angry with no in-between.

Dear S,

Why have you never told me about the “interesting specimen”, as you called her?

We were talking the same days that you were talking to her. You told her that you were watching ‘the Second Marigold Hotel’ when I told you that I was. You told her you planned to travel to California and meet your friends out there this summer. I didn’t know you had friends there… I didn’t know that you were planning to go.

Is she the reason why you couldn’t look at me during lunch yesterday?

Help me to understand, please.

x

…because I can make a fool out of myself

I seem to be on a mission to throw people out of my life. S (the ex – stop rolling your eyes) and I are doing what we do… all over again… but I get that completely unreasonable feeling that he is hiding something from me. So of course I over think this, turn it in to a problem for us, then do what I do best and cock it all up.

What upset me the most about the situation with my friend (previous post) is that she was holding things against me, and while I was repeating this story to another friend I realized, this is exactly what I do to S. I hold everything against him.

Basically. In writing all these posts I’ve found that I have serious issues and I am a massive hypocrite. 🙂

April won’t make a fool out of me.

University is the stereotypical time of your life where you meet your closest friends. I’m very happy to say I’ve made a couple of close friends in my 4 year grind, but I am saddened by the ‘friends’ I chose to have along the way. People who I let walk over me and yet continued to try and please.

No more.

I have 3 months left at University. I don’t want these ‘friends’ in my life anymore, but they don’t know this. A recent argument with a so called friend opened my eyes to all the shit that I have taken through our relationship – mainly because it was all being thrown in my face and I was literally apologizing for it. I asked said friend how many times she planned on digging things up, her response was “as many times as I want.” What the fuck was I apologizing for?

There has been so much drama in my life surrounding said friend and the rest of this friend-group. I want out. I have true friends in my life, who I have had falling outs with but who have never held anything against me nor me them.

I have tried telling these people I don’t want to be friends with them, but they still want to be friends with me. When they say to me that I am acting strange, I want to say no this is not strange, this is me finally standing up for myself.

 

Everyone’s in pain

I have a very close friend who has been in an abusive, shitty relationship for almost one year now. The weekend just passed we celebrated her 23rd birthday. It was a laugh! She seemed happy.

I reached home Sunday evening and a few hours later I receive a text saying that her and her boyfriend had yet another argument. He’s stormed off upstairs and gone to sleep, and she’s swallowed a box of pills. She told me – there’s the cry for help.

The whole time that was happening i was thinking of S. I know he’s hurt himself before, he’s probably tried some shit like this too. But who was there to save him?

 

 

Lost

Life has been like the opening scene of final destination 3 (Ok, maybe that is a bit much). I strapped in to my seat, I saw the crash happen before me and I held on no matter what. Except in reality I chose to ride the rollercoaster instead of following my gut instinct.

 

In the 2 years that we had been apart I had never forgotten what he did to me. It only took 2 months in to our new relationship that he was doing it all over again.

Our relationship was a secret, we were the only people who knew we were together. Now we (and whoever you are reading this) are the only people who know we’ve broken up, again. Did the past 2 months of my life just happen?

 

S is awake!

S is awake – there are no words to express how happy I am to hear this! I won’t know how he really is until tomorrow, but for now he is awake. I’m sure he is the same cat loving lunatic he was only a few days ago, but I need that last bit of reassurance that he is exactly that.

I said I would document every day and I will continue to do that for him. Hopefully he knows he is with me in thought, since I can’t be there for him now.

I managed to work on my essay this morning, proud of myself for sitting down and doing it after putting it off for so long. So I spent a good few hours in the quiet library, hunched over my beastly laptop and smashing away at my keyboard. Instead of comfort eating, today I have invested in retail therapy. I had cancelled on my best friends birthday this weekend after the bad news but I woke up this morning and decided I did not want to spend the weekend holed up and alone. So I set myself on a mission to Oxford street to find the perfect outfit: a low cut top, low enough to show my central under-boob tattoo but also hide the ever growing rolls of fat on my stomach, and something other than my standard black jeans to wear it with.

I ended up buying two pairs of jeans, one pair of trousers, wet-look leggings, that perfect top I was after, blusher and two new lip glosses. Can we please acknowledge that I have a problem…

It wasn’t until I was walking out of the station on my way home that I received a text message from Alex telling me the good news. I was beaming at my phone. I could see the TFL workers watching me walk through the station out of the corner of my eye, probably wondering what the hell I was looking at to make me so happy. I didn’t care, S is awake!

Alex and I continued to talk, I learnt that she and S met on a night out roughly one year ago and as she is gay they hit things off socially. I said thank you for keeping me company and I sent her a kiss face emoji, then conversation took an unexpected turn. Suddenly we are flirting, talking about fantasies, about how S is more open to all sorts now, she is encouraging me to talk to him about our fantasies. But that’s not the S I know knew. The S I knew only had fantasies involving the one woman he loved – me.  Of course, we broke up and his fantasies no longer had anything to do with me. Alex is telling me “he loves a booty call ;)… he loves to tease ;)…” And then the ball drops.

Maybe a year ago now S suffered a complication from surgery that left him with short term memory loss, he didn’t know entirely who I was but he knew that he was drawn to me for some reason. During this time he was out partying a lot, he pulled two girl friends and well you can guess the rest.

I know it’s poor judgement, but could she be one of them?

 

He is everywhere

I agreed with S’s (the ex’s) friend that we would chat today for both of our sakes. She will be keeping me updated on how S is doing as I am unable to go and visit him myself. The Doctors say that he has incredible brain activity, most likely due to ‘intense dreaming’ – ‘Where are you, S?…. In the land of dreams.’

I have been dreading coming back to central London today. There are memories of S scattered all over London, from Heathrow airport to North London, where we live just 15 minutes apart. I didn’t want to come back and see the cats, they are more comfortable around S. Knowing his love for cats, he would happily come to see them even if I was not here. I walked through Warren Street station wondering if I would bump in to him there when I knew that I wouldn’t. I even made an effort to look for his face in the crowd – what is wrong with me? I couldn’t remember what state I left my room in, if there was still a mold of his body in my duvet from where he lay down and watched me get ready on Monday morning.

It’s late afternoon and I am sitting on my bed on the verge of tears. I want coke – ‘can’t find my left overs…damn, I must have lost the bag at the party on Saturday. Ok, I could smoke with my friend instead but she lives over an hour journey across London. No, do not cry. You haven’t eaten all day, Tash. What are you going to eat? What do you need to do to make yourself feel the tiniest bit better?’

So I set myself up a space on the floor: I put down a picnic blanket to sit on so the cold from the floor doesn’t rise up by back; I get my laptop and put ‘the Gilmore Girls’ on; light a candle; cocoon myself in a furry blanket and eventually the Chinese food that I ordered arrives and I eat. Happier? No. All the time I’m thinking how perfect it would be if S was here, how beautiful it would be if we were making love here, on the floor, in this gorgeous set up. I took a photo of it thinking that I can show S what I have been up to all this time. Part of me is aware that I may be setting myself up to fall, but I am driven by this new sense of false hope and the overdue realization that I need this man in my life.

One more problem: I can picture him laying on my bed, and now I don’t want to get up off the floor.